To my two biggest littles,
WARNING: Emotional and pregnant mom thoughts on the loose.
Two nights ago, William woke up 3 times within an hour and a half. Let’s blame these thoughts on the pregnancy hormones, but I’m borderline bi-polar at 4:45 in the morning. At one point, I’m so annoyed to have been woken up and think to myself, ‘Child, just roll over and go back to sleep’, but after 2 years, I know this is not how you function. I check the monitor and you’re standing at the crib railing whining ‘I want my Mommy’. I muster up the energy to go into your room and immediately upon entering your room, your sweet and innocent little voice mutters ‘Oh Hi Mommy’ as if you’re super surprised to see me. Instantly all of my annoyance is wiped away. I pick you up and sit down sideways in the rocking chair. You curl up in a little ball with your little toes tucked into the crease of my legs, rest your head on my shoulder, I put your blankie around you and your sleeping within 30 seconds. We repeat this little ritual two more times in the next hour. Each time, I have these irrational conversations with myself. My rational side says, ‘He is sleeping, put him back in the crib and go get some sleep, you and this baby are going to be so tired tomorrow.’ Yet, my emotional side just can’t. As your warm little breaths drift across my chest and your long eyelashes grace my cheek, I just can’t put you down and argue with myself ‘He is going to be two in a couple of months. He is going to be in a big boy bed in a couple of months and you’re not going to be able to do this then. Enjoy these moments with your ONLY boy while you can’. So, I give into my emotional side for awhile and tell myself, this is where you need to be in this moment, regardless of how tired you are going to be tomorrow. This sweet little boy just needs his mommy.
Last night, Lexi was overtired and inventing new excuses to prolong bed time and was just generally pretty irrational. ‘I’m so shivery cold’ (even though you had 3 blankets on). ‘I’m too hot’ ‘I can’t get comfy’. ‘I want to sleep on the floor’ ‘I forgot to brush my teeth’ ‘I need some water’ ‘Will you sing me a song’ ‘We forgot to read a book’ After 45 minutes of this non-sense, I was fed up (yes, it really took me this long to lay down the law!) I put you in bed, covered you up and turned on some instrumental lullaby music. Initially you continued to complain about how cold you were, so I started rubbing your feet and within 3 minutes you had calmed down to be a rational 4 year-old again and were beginning to fall asleep. Then all of the sudden, you lifted your head and said, ‘I can’t hear the beautiful music Mom, can you turn up the volume.’ And I sighed in relief as that was just the reassurance I need to not go crazy.
As maddening as these moments can be, they are also so rewarding. I adore being your Mom and am so grateful that I am able to be there for both of you and this new little sister on her way. I’m sure I’m doing a lot of things wrong and I’ll look back or you’re tell me how I messed up your life, but for now, I feel like I’m doing a pretty darn good job. Thank you for giving me this opportunity and balancing the maddening moments with rewarding.